A Study in Fangirls
by Spark Writer
Summary: Sherlock's detailed reference notes on the fangirls he has encountered in his career as the world's only consulting detective.


_A/N: The idea for this fic was inspired by the myriad fangirl types I have encountered in my long, ravishing career as a Sherlock enthusiast. They all exist, I have had the somewhat misfortune of reading comments from all of them, and have been most of these at one point or another. :D Let's hear it for the Sherlock fangirls, the best of the lot! ...This is written from Sherlock's perspective, in his private notes. He is alluding to various fangirls he has encountered on John's blog, his website [The Science of Deduction], and face to face run-ins. Have fun!_

_INDEX:_

1. The Johnlock Shipper

2. The Moripartier

3. The Vehemently Slash Opposed Stickler

4. The Fetishy Weirdo

5. The Scornful Fusspot

6. The Laugh Impregnated Fangirl

7. The Animal!lock Shipper

8. The Intellectual Fangirl

9. The Explicatory Speechmaker

10. The Skull!lock Shipper

11. The Mystrade Shipper

12. The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships

13. The Purposeful Misspeller

14. The John Watson Hater

15. The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic

16. The Great Defender

17. The Perverted Pervert

18. The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl

19. The Confused Grandmother

20. The Body Language Expert

21. The Screamer/Blind Individual

22. The Shipper of Inanimate Object Pairings

23. The Normal Person

_NOTES:_

**The Johnlock Shipper**

Typical Comment:

"Asdfghjkl *flails*"

Or:

"I SHIP IT. I SHIP IT HARD. THIS IS CUTE. OH MY GOD. I'M GONNA CRY. OH MY GOSH. SHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIPSHIP OH MY GOSH HOLY CRAP KISS KISS KISS IT WAS SO MEANT TO BE"

Who Is She?

For some peculiar reason, the _Johnlock_ shipper believes with religious conviction that John and I would be better off as a full-blown couple, names smashed together in disastrous bisyllabic marriage. She likes to think of herself as an enlightened romantic in a world full of blind skeptics, and wishes everyone around her to adsorb her logic. This person often refers to my relationship with John as "flawless," or "OMFG."

**The Moripartier**

Typical Comment:

"Pleeeeeaaaaase!"

Who Is She?

The_ Moripartier_ is of the irrational, revolting opinion that Jim Moriarty is the sexiest man alive, and dear god wouldn't she like to run her fingers through his hair. She often fantasizes about groping the consulting criminal and keeps gum in her pocket on most occasions. A particularly feral and obsessed sort of fangirl; I shall give her a wide berth.

**The Vehemently Slash Opposed Stickler**

Typical Comment:

"Why do people always have to cross that line and make EVERYTHING in Dr. Watson's blog about Johnlock? it really takes away from the effort Doctor Watson puts into the blogs and to just makes their whole career about Johnlock, and all the subtext they blithely seem to think exists. Jesus."

Who Is She?

She believes strictly in male-male friendships, usually for one of two reasons: She's either homophobic, or thinks that anything past the platonic would ruin the pre-existing friendship. From my experience, however, she still obsesses over the friendship with frightening enthusiasm; perhaps that is why it is entitled friend_ship. _

**The Fetishy Weirdo**

Typical Comment:

"OH GAWD THE CHEEKBONES OH MY GOD"

Or, similarly disturbing:

"Sherlock your arse I CAN'T"

Who is She?

The _Fetishy Weirdo _focuses her affections on a singular part of my anatomy, lavishing it with verbose compliments, often naming it, and using reams of capital letters and extremely disturbing emoticons to express herself. She is incredibly unrestrained about articulating her fondness for Holmesian bodily parts and on occasion, crosses into the dark ether of number 17.

**The Scornful Fusspot**

Typical Comment:

"How could u think they are together? this is the worst pairing since Hagrid/Buckbeak, open your eyes people! John is always saying in the blogs how Sherlock is annoyed at him. u think dat romantic?

Who is She?

_The Scornful Fusspot _likes to think of herself as the jaded cynic in a world full of gullible lemmings, determined to be a burning light of truth in a chaotic world of lies, tall tales and desperately imagined romantic chemistry. She is stupidly critical, bothersome and often followed by comments such as the shatteringly eloquent, "Shut your goddamn face, you non-lock believer!"

**The Laugh Impregnated Fangirl**

Typical Comment:

"That laugh…I think I just got pregnant from that laugh."

Who is She?

She is utterly unversed in reproductive knowledge, and believes that my reaction to [John's] humour will allow her to conceive on the spot. I notice that she names this mind-baby Hamish in many instances, and leaves further comments such as, "Do you want to hold it, Sherly?" This is by far one of the most disquieting types of fangirl; I combat her absurdity by leaving a scathing reply or better yet by telling her I have been sterilized, _so best of luck with that._

**The Animal!lock Shipper**

Typical comment:

"They are just so fluffydorable. God, my feels."

I am not an otter. John is not a hedgehog. No. _No._

**The Intellectual Fangirl**

Typical Comment:

"Mr Holmes, you were wrong in this experiment—I think you'll find that when you mix pure hydrogen with oxygen you don't produce water (2H2O) as would be expected, you in fact create an explosion. So it is perfectly normal that your solution exploded during the attempted grafting of Helium and Sodium. Don't be too harsh on yourself; we all have our kryptonite. :-D"

Who is She?

_The Intellectual Fangirl_ knows everything about the laws that administer the universe, even the things science hasn't yet proved. She has an education, works in a laboratory environment (or claims to) and has devoted her remarkable gifts to telling me that I am wrong.

**The Explicatory Speechmaker**

Typical Comment:

"This, folks, is more than just two blokes who share a flat. This, folks, is more than two men who happened to become good friends. This is the very meaning of friendship, of love. It's been dirtied and mucked by the rough patches of life, but somehow here it is. It's true awesomesauce. And I don't even ship them."

Who is She?

_The Explicatory Speechmaker _sneaks in and leaves a quicksilver remark in the blog comments section that seems to plunge straight to the core of the issue at hand, leaving spectators gasping in the wake of her brilliance. She is under the impression that she understands John and I's relationship completely, giving her authorization to "clarify" our current status and "clear up" any misconceptions. She is well loved by the majority of fangirls.

**The Skull!lock Shipper**

What.

**The Mystrade Shipper**

Typical Comment:

"detective inspectors marry the government. Get the **** over it."

Who is She?

To be blunt, she is excited by the idea of Detective Inspector Lestrade and my brother sharing covert glances, snogging in police boxes (though that is another case study altogether) and generally being starry-eyed idiots. One could say that both men are fairly alrightish, but they both could do better. Must consult John on this one, though. He'll likely say something terribly human.

**The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships**

Typical Comment:

"Mystrade is the wtf. So is Molliarty. these ships are utter shite. I mean there not even sexy like Johnlock"

Who is She?

_The Shipless Shipper Who Secretly Ships _puts down every possible configuration of pairings possible, scorning them whenever she has access to the internet, and generally being a snarky imbecile. She _does_ ship, however, even if unconsciously—and the unconscious-shipper-within sometimes speaks for her, as obvious in the comment above. This fangirl is known for her bitter exterior, frequent Freudian slips, and broad disregard for grammar.

**The Purposeful Misspeller**

Typical Comment:

"Sherluck you know you love ur Jawn."

Who is She?

Truly, I don't care to speculate on someone who finds it acceptable to butcher people's names. And she is not dyslexic; I've tested. (Is this her way of phonetically spelling our names? I don't say "John" like "Jawn," do I?) Mm.

**The John Watson Hater**

Typical Comment:

"Sorry, Johnny-boy. My Sherlock. _My_ Sherlock."

Who is She?

_The John Watson Hater* _is in constant mental and romantic competition with John; she spends her waking hours firing insults at him and complains that he is standing in the way of a deep, lovelorn relationship between her and myself. She calls him all manner of things; short, dumpy, grumpy, hobbit-like, stout, Hufflepuff, brainless, hopeless, boring, clingy, average, useless, dull, stupid.

_*_Worst.

**The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic**

Typical Comment:

"They are…this is…the best thing eveeeerrrrr! HOT HOT HOT HOT"

Who is She?

_The Psychotic Sheriarty Fanatic _switches John Watson out for dear old Jim Moriarty. She is very imaginative, provocative and sexual in her fantasies, which usually result in Jim ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. There's usually a riding crop here and there, as well.

**The Great Defender**

Typical Comment:

"So what if they're gay? Stop judging people and let everyone be who they want to be because, in the end, isn't that what life is all about?"

Who is She?

_The Great Defender_ sees herself as a moral crusader [who always feels the need to inject herself into every conversation, at least long enough to let the rest of humanity know she holds the moral high ground]. She is maddeningly self-righteous, argues blindly on the side of idiots ("Don't hate on Anderson, we all need to think about what traumatic event in his early childhood made him act this way") and considers herself a pillar of even-mindedness in a dark internet cosmos of morons.

**The Perverted Pervert**

Typical Comment:

"Come to my house Sherly, and I will you make you very happy."

Who is She?

_The Perverted Pervert _is A. a Sherlockian (the most annoying fan from the most annoying fandom existing on the internet) crossed with B. a pervert (a person whose sexual behavior is regarded as abnormal and unacceptable). This highly alarming and unsettling combination creates an uncontrollable beast of a fangirl, whose needs and urges cannot seem to be satisfied via internet.

*John punched the last one who dared infiltrate the flat.

**The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl**

Typical Comment:

"OMG Sherlock and John you guys are just too cool and amazing and brilliant! I feel super excited just reading about your fantastic adventures. OMG I don't care if we never meet, I love you guys too much. keep up the awesomeness, kk? It makes me all happy-flaily!"

Who is She?

She is a maddeningly cheerful enthusiast who piles compliments to a near-fatal degree. If a person could kill with happiness, _The Cloyingly Optimistic Fangirl _would be responsible. Guilty of praising my "beautiful personality." Dear god, just stop. Just _no_.

**The Confused Grandmother**

Typical Comment:

"My kippers began to rot the day I brought them home from market. Could you possibly tell why?"

Who is She?

_The Confused Grandmother _is under the wrong impression that any mystery or unsolved business in her everyday life is of interest to the world's only consulting detective. It is not. It is an extravagant waste of my time, and takes comment room from those who have a proper question or thought-provoking observation (nonexistent so far).

**The Body-language Expert**

Typical Comment:

"Look at this photo. John's hand is at a 90-degree angle in relation to Sherlock's, their legs are crossed towards each other, and Sherlock's shoulders are in a relaxed, open stance. Oh they are so hooking up!"

Who is She?

She is someone who uses positions of limbs and digits to speculate whether or not John and I are shagging each other. Bizarre, tawdry and superstitious. It also makes one rather self-conscious, because one begins to be hyper-aware of one's posture and then one begins to think she's got a point, and then one—erm.

**The Screamer/ Blind Individual***

Typical Comment:

"ASDFGHJKL THIS IS JUST ASDFGHHJKFJJGJ I CAN'T EVEN ASDFGHJKLTRYU THE WOMAN ASDFGHJHHKHJDJ BUT NOOOO I FEEL AWKWARD SHIPPING JOHNLOCK RIGHT NOW ASDFGHJKLUMQRA"

Who is She?

Responsible for the rupturing of the national eardrum.

*More research required.

**The Shipper of Inanimate Object Pairings**

Typical Comment:

"hey guys, i'm shipping the wall and jawn's chair so hard. chall."

Who is She?

This fangirl is able to find shippable material in anything. She writes scandalous fanfiction pieces for Mycroft's umbrella and John's cane, and believes that any two objects should [and will] be together. She occasionally experiences awkward moments when there is no proper way to blend the names of the objects of her affection.

Cumbrella. Umcane.

**The Normal Person**

Typical Comment:

Who is She?


End file.
